North Star Mental Fitness Blog

Why I Created the North Star Mental Fitness Program

I needed a mental fitness program to help my clients.  In the 1980s, I did not know of a mental fitness program, so I created one.  As a licensed psychologist I wanted to empower my clients as much as possible to take control of their lives.

I believed that traditional, analytical psychotherapy methods were inefficient and not practical; especially when there were very limited sessions authorized by managed-care companies.  Analytical treatment necessitated more treatment sessions than what managed-care companies authorized.

In practice, people were being diagnosed with dual diagnoses.  It was conceptualized that each diagnosis had a different etiology necessitating different treatment strategies.  I questioned the necessity for different treatment strategies.  I began my pursuit to find strategies that could be used for most diagnoses other than psychotic diagnoses, no matter the nature of the different diagnoses.

As I listened to my clients from a new perspective, my thinking and practice shifted. 

Does Freedom Have an Expiration Date?

Almost all of the perishable food we eat comes with an expiration date.  It appears that almost everything has an expiration date.  Of course, everything may not be stamped with a specific expiration date.  Just because there's no stamp expiration date, don't be fooled.  Everything has its time of glory followed by decline and extinction.

As I look back over my life I realize that life and culture are continually changing.  Life and culture have a cycle of greatness followed by extinction. 

Sometimes, I long for favorite restaurants, stores and products which no longer exist.  I miss certain fashions from the past.  When I really reminisce, I miss the quiet simplistic life that existed before the onset of TV and the Internet.

To be honest I realize my youthful body has also become extinct.  The recklessness and impulsiveness of youth is also becoming extinct.  Although the strength and flexibility of my body is becoming extinct, I still have the freedom of my mind and spirit.

As I listen to our politicians and realize the self-centeredness and greed operating within our society, I wonder if values of honesty, transparency, fairness, loyalty, and commitment are still alive or are they extinct?

As I realize the seeds of change that are being planted in our government and society by our government, I wonder if our democracy and freedom are rushing to extinction!  We know from history that nations rise up and then become extinct.  Is the extinction of our democracy accelerating?

It is time to make freedom choices!  If we went freedom from the way things are now in our society and lives, it is time to courageously commit to actively pursue our freedom.

If we do not want what we hold dear to become extinct, then we must pursue our freedom with unwavering focus and emotion. 

Remember there is no guarantee that our freedom and democracy will not become extinct in our lifetime!

Remember, We Live within the Environment Created by Our Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

11 Father's Day Quotes

Today we are celebrating Father's Day.  Here are some quotes for you to think about on this day.

"Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad".

Clarence B. Kelland's coach regarding fatherhood, "my father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it".

Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice".

Theodore Hesburgh wrote "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother".

William Shakespeare on fathers "it is a wise father who knows his own child".

William Busch wrote this about fatherhood " becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough".

Sigmund Freud wrote "I cannot think of any need and childhood as strong as that need for a father's protection". 

Charles Wadsworth "by the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he is wrong".

One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God,  Make me the kind of man my Daddy is.  Later that night, the Father prayed.  Dear God.  Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be".

Harmon Killebrew wrote about fatherhood "my father used to play with my brother and me in the yard.  Mother would come out and say, 'you're tearing up the grass'.  "We're not raising grass".  Dad would reply. "We're raising boys'".

Paul Lewis's quote on fatherhood "a father's words are like a thermostat that sets the temperature in the house".

 Happy Father's Day!

 

Remember We Live within the Environment Created by Our Choices!

 Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

Successful Teenagers

Michael Jordan was motivated to elevate his performance continually to higher levels.  I want to tell you about three teenagers, who also have had high aspirations and recently achieved great successes.  All three teenagers showed remarkable ability to focus and achieve their goals.

When Chalonda Goodman was six years old, she was enthralled with Michael Johnson's successes in the World Olympics.  She also was mesmerized by the athletes in the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta, Georgia. 

She told her father "I want to do that". 

Stuart Kantor wrote "A passion ensued, fueled by an innate desire to run faster than any girl lined up next to her". As a result of her ability to focus and work towards her dream, she graduated from high school with 8 state titles in track.

High school senior, Bryce Lamb, triple jumped farther than any high schooler in the nation.  He also set a state record in his home state. 

He began his track career at the age of five. "I quit the first practice," Lamb recalled. "It was too hard. I was walking to the car and I told my mom, 'I don't ever want to do this again.'  At the age of six, Bryce began training.

Bryce has set his goal to participate in the 2012 Olympics. "It's always been in my mind, and it's possible now," he said.

Stuart Kantor also wrote about a teenager, Bonnie Richardson, who lives in a small Texas town of less than 600 people.  Her school did not even have a track program.  Twice Bonnie has accomplished the unbelievable.  By herself, she has won two state team track championships in the state of Texas.

All of these teenagers show the importance of good mental fitness as expressed in their persistent motivation to excel in their athletic endeavors.  They courageously remained on target to reach their goals and avoided all distractions that would interfered with achieving their goals.  Undoubtedly, they overcame many obstacles in order to become successful.

We can learn a lot from these teenagers.  We can learn to set our dreams and courageously work toward achieving our dreams even when external circumstances are bleak, limiting and discouraging.

Remember, We Live within the Environment Created by Our Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

Susan Boyle Is a Winner!

In spite of losing Britain's Got Talent competition, worldwide favorite Susan Boyle is a champion.  She not only sang her signature song, "I Dreamed a Dream", she lived her dream! 

Action: Knowledge, Expectation, Acceptance and Recognition with out Action Fails

Oftentimes, our cars need gas at the most inconvenient times.  It does not matter where you are going or why.  When your car is empty or approaches emptiness, there is a sense of urgency that takes priority over all of your plans and goals.  You must find a gas station.

Have you noticed that you or your significant other, oftentimes, are empty or approach emptiness at the most inconvenient times?

Have you ever wondered why we did not have the same sense of urgency to satisfy our or our significant other's wants and needs?  Probably our significant others would not know what to do, if we put on hold our important plans in order to be sensitive to the wants and needs of our spouses and children.

We must act to self-actualize ourselves by pursuing our wants and needs and goals.

We also must become sensitive and responsive to our significant other's wants, needs and goals, whenever they are empty or approach emptiness.

Knowing our significant others have wants and needs is not enough for having good relationships. 

Expecting, accepting and recognizing, on a daily basis, our significant others are empty or signaling emptiness is not enough for having satisfying and sensitive relationships.

Action is necessary but what kind of action?

1.  Listening and by listening you communicate that your significant others are important and you trust their ability to manage their lives.

2. Communicating your nurturing feelings and values regarding your significant others.

3.  Keeping promises.

4. Independently and consistently assuming responsibilities and chores necessary for your relationship to survive.

5. Paying attention without making judgments and demeaning comments.

Remember, it is normal for you and your significant others to become empty at the most inconvenient times. I hope that this series will help you become more responsive to your wants and needs and the wants and needs of your significant others.

Remember, You Will Live within the Relationships Created by Your Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

The other posts in regard to emptiness and signals of emptiness are:

1. If You Can Drive a Car, You Can Have Satisfying and Sensitive Relationships!
2. Knowledge: Do You Really Know?
3. Expectations: What Do You Expect?
4. Expectations: What to Expect in Your Relationships?
5. Identify Signals; Not Problems; Not Symptoms!
6. Acceptance: Can You Really Accept?
7. Recognition: Expectation and Acceptance without Recognition Fails

Recognition: Expectation and Acceptance Without Recognition Fails

Divorce is inevitable, when people do not expect, identify, accept and recognize emptiness and signals of emptiness in themselves or their partners.  Dysfunctional relationships are also the results of people's failure to understand emptiness and signals of emptiness.

You may expect and accept your car to approach empty on a regular basis.  However, if you fail to recognize the message given to you by the gas gage, you are destined to sit at the side of the road.  Failure to recognize signals of emptiness and emptiness is the prescription for prolonged emptiness and eventual failure. 

With cars, it is easy to recognize the signal, because we only have one place to look in order to find the signal.  Since humans have enumerable signals of emptiness, it is more difficult to recognize your significant other's signals.

Sometimes the signals will be thoughts (I think our relationship sucks) or feelings (you don't love me anymore).  Sometimes the signals will be seen in behavior (dirty looks or slamming doors) or in your relationship (arguing and avoiding each other).  Sometimes the signals of emptiness will be seen in activities (affairs, irresponsible spending and engaging in self-defeating behaviors).

It is necessary to recognize signals of emptiness when they occur.  It is important to interpret and understand our partner's signals of emptiness are not weaknesses, criticisms or attempts to control us. 

It is very important for us to recognize when our partners have wants, needs or desires to fulfill themselves.  If we want satisfying and satisfactory interpersonal relationships with our significant others, it is important to recognize their individuality without feeling rejected or ignored.

By accepting and recognizing your significant other's signals of emptiness as only signals of emptiness, you can have an inner peace in stead of emotional pain and your significant others will realize that you are there for them.

Live in the now! Let us recognize when we are empty and our significant others are empty.  If we do not recognize emptiness and signals of emptiness in ourselves and our significant others, we are destined to have dysfunctional relationships, emotional detachment and divorce.

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

The other posts in regard to emptiness and signals of emptiness are:

1. If You Can Drive a Car, You Can Have Satisfying and Sensitive Relationships!
2. Knowledge: Do You Really Know?
3. Expectations: What Do You Expect?
4. Expectations: What to Expect in Your Relationships?
5. Identify Signals; Not Problems; Not Symptoms!
6. Acceptance: Can You Really Accept?

Acceptance: Can You Really Accept?

Can you accept what you don't like in your husband or wife?  Are you willing to accept what you don't like instead of expecting your spouse to change?

Oftentimes, what we don't like in our relationships or our partners are signals of emptiness! 

Most of time we wish that we would not have to deal with the disgusting, frightening and obnoxious signals of emptiness in our spouses or ourselves.  We expect

Identify Signals; Not Problems; Not Symptoms!

Identify signals is the fifth blog in the series, If You Can Drive a Car, You Can Have Satisfying and Sensitive Relationships.  So far we have established

Expectations: What to Expect In Your Relationships?

Remember when you heard the wedding bells?  What expectations do you have for your marriage?  You were in love and undoubtedly had expectations for an exciting, passionate and long lasting relationship.  Didn't you expect your chosen one to be happy most of the time?  Didn't  you expect him or her to wake up with a lot of energy and passion, only to be disappointed or frustrated?

Remember, when you had your first job or the job of your dreams?  What expectations did you have for your work associates?  Didn't  you expect them to appreciate your work and validate you as a worker?  Weren't you poorly prepared to experience indifference, rejection and criticism from your boss or coworkers?

Remember when you began having children?  Remember how excited you were to have your children.  Although you may have never consciously thought about it, what expectations did you have for your children?  Did youexpect our children to be free from problems, develop normally and do well in all they do?  Most of us did not expect our children to have developmental difficulties, learning problems, social problems or behavioral problems.

Most of us have expectations full of the excitement, anticipated happiness and idealism when we begin a new relationship.  Oftentimes, our expectations are not realistic and practical.  Even after being in relationships for a considerable period of time, our expectations remain unrealistic and as a result we experience unnecessary emotional pain, anger and disappointment.

Our expectations regarding the important people in our lives would become more realistic, practical and functional, if we were to apply our knowledge about the fuel system in a car to our relationships.  With a car we know that the car will have times when the gas tank approaches empty and we expect our cars to become empty and give us empty signals on a regular basis.  Especially after we had been driving our cars, we expect our cars to become empty.

Do we have the expectation that the important people in our lives will be empty on a regular basis and this is normal?  How much better would our relationships become if we expected our significant others to have times of fullness and emptiness on a regular basis? 

 Our relationships would be much better if we expected our significant others to have signals of emptiness, when they are empty.  Most people respond to the signals of emptiness from our significant others as problems, symptoms, personality weaknesses or dysfunctional, learned behavior from one's family of origin. 

Signals of emptiness are not problems, symptoms, personality weaknesses or dysfunctional behavior from past relationships!  If we mis-read and fail to understand that signals of emptiness are only signals, then these missed signals can result in problems, symptoms, personality weaknesses or dysfunctional behavior.

Wouldn't your relationship with your wife become much better, if you interpreted "nagging", headaches, and irritability as signals of emptiness rather than as criticism, problems and deficiencies in your wife?

Wouldn't your relationship with your husband become much better, if you interpreted his anger, poor listening ability and emotional coldness as signals of emptiness rather than as problems, rejection, insensitivity, and a lack of love?

Wouldn't your relationships with your boss or fellow employees become better, if you interpreted their hostile, insensitive and different responses to you as indicating their signals of emptiness rather than as demeaning or criticizing you?

Wouldn't your relationships with your children improve immensely if you interpreted their problems, defiance, disobedience and emotional instability as signals of emptiness rather than concluding that they are bad, spoiled, ungrateful and self-centered?

Let us focus on accepting the reality of emptiness in our significant others.  Let us expect all of our significant others to sometimes be empty and have signals of emptiness.  Having appropriate and realistic expectations for our significant others will significantly reduce our conflicts with our significant others.  Our significant others will not feel pressured, judged, criticized and demeaned if we change our expectations.

Remember, We Live within the Relationships Created by Our Choices!

Dr. Hal

Life and Mental Fitness Coach

Expectations: What Do You Expect?

If you know how to drive a car, you have all of the psychological tools to have a refreshed self-concept and empowered, satisfying and sensitive relationships.  This statement may sound like an over-statement, but it is true.